I had my final chemo exactly two weeks ago; praise the Lord!!  I spent a week feeling nauseated and fatigued, and then, as usual, started to feel better but became neutropenic.  My mom gave me one shot a day for four days, which bumped my white blood cell count back up to normal.  I'm hoping and praying that was the last time I'll have to endure those painful shots!  In about a month, I'll have a PET scan and two CT scans to check that the chemo really did work and to see if I am now cancer free!  In the meantime, I should continue to feel better and better.

And I already am feeling a lot better!  I get tired out pretty easily, but, because I've been cooped up inside for the past four months, I've been trying to keep busy regardless.  I was able to go to our church's get-together at the beach last week.  I spent a beautiful day at Balboa Park for my Dad's birthday.  I've also been able to hang out with several friends.  I went to my best friend Katy's birthday party, had dinner with my fourth-grade-best-friend Becca, and had coffee with a friend named Rachel, who I haven't seen in a few years.  I'm extremely happy to be able to have a social life again!

Now that my chemotherapy is over, many people have been asking me what I plan on doing next.  Before I got diagnosed with cancer, my plan was to begin grad school this fall.  I was all set to enter the Peace and Justice Studies Master's program at the University of San Diego, but now that the time has come, I know I am not physically or mentally prepared to start grad school.  So I deferred my acceptance for a year with the intention of beginning the program in the fall of 2013.  However, my recent experience has made me wonder if I might want to pursue a different career path.  I've been looking into a joint Master's of Social Work/Master's of Public Health program at San Diego State University and thought of possibly going into Oncology Social Work or pursuing something related to public health.  I plan on applying to the program early next year, and making a decision about what program I actually will do when the time comes to decide.  If there's anything these past four months have taught me, it's to take things one day at a time.  Our own plans are unreliable because we are not in charge of life; God is.  James 4:13-15 says,

Look here, you who say, "today or tomorrow we are going to a certain city, will spend a year there, carry on business, and make money."  How do you know what your life will be like tomorrow?  Your life is like the morning fog -- it's here a little while, then it's gone.  What you ought to say is, 'If the Lord wants us to, we will live and do this or that.

I can safely say that this year has been absolutely nothing like I planned it.  I'm going to attempt to live my life in the way these verses suggest, not making certain plans, but leaving my life open to the possibilities that God may have planned for me.  So maybe I'll go to grad school in a year, but I'm not positive.  I have several ideas of things I want to do in this next year, but am trying to remember that nothing is certain.

I'm leaving for Oregon on friday and will spend a week there with several of my college friends.  We are also planning on taking a family vacation at the end of August.  Besides those two trips, I have no plans set in stone.  I know I need to get a job and think it might be fun to be a barista for a while.  I also would love to travel this next year if it's a possibility at all -- and if God wills it.  I've been feeling a lot better, but definitely don't feel healthy.  So for now, I will simply take things once day at a time, focus on trying to become as healthy as possible, and see where God takes me.

xoxo
Lauren

"Every day of my life was recorded in Your book.  

Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed."  

-Psalm 139:16

I had my last chemotherapy treatment today!  Yay!!!  I feel terrible, but it doesn't even matter because I won't have to go for chemo again!  I just have to get through these next two weeks of feeling sick, then I'll be on my way back to normal!  I am so eager to be healthy again, so I am ecstatic to put my last chemo behind me!!  I'll have another PET scan and some CT scans in six weeks and will then meet with my doctor to go over the results.  So please continue to keep my health in your prayers! And thank you so incredibly much for the love, prayers, and support you have continually given me!  I wouldn't have made it this far without you!

xoxo
Lauren

Getting my last chemo!

"Let us hold fast to the confession of our hope without wavering, for He who promises is faithful."

- Hebrews 10:23

Last week was a rough one.  I had chemo last tuesday and then began taking my new anti-nausea medication.  Not only did the medication not work, it seemed to make things worse.  I spent a lot more time sprawled out on the couch than usual.  My brother came down to visit for a couple days.  We attempted to go out for dinner last thursday and I felt so terrible that I had to have my dad drive me home before we even had a chance to order.  Thankfully, the nausea has gotten a lot better these past few days.

Unfortunately, I've come down with a bad cold.  There's really not much I can do about it except drink lots of water and wait it out.  So please be praying for me to get better so my final chemo won't get postponed!

While Kevin was here, he wanted to try on my wig (who wouldn't?).  He looked amazingly ridiculous, so of course our mom had to take a picture of the two of us -- Kevin with long, dark hair, and me with the scraggly hairstyle of Charlie Brown's friend Linus.  I knew what I looked like; I had gazed in the mirror every day for the past few months.  But it wasn't until I looked at the photo of myself that it hit me how sick I actually looked.

Kevin and I

Linus, my doppleganger.

I've never been one to wear a lot of makeup or spend hours in the bathroom doing my hair, so I was surprised at how much the appearance change of these last few months has affected me.  It's strange how much our appearance can influence the way we act and feel.  I realized at a young age that if I spent all day in my pajamas, I felt sick, frumpy, and lazy.  And these past three months, that is exactly how my hair has made me feel.  The first few times I wore my wig, I suddenly had more energy and confidence and felt a little more like I did before I got sick.  With the thin, scraggly hairstyle I've had as of late, I definitely have not felt like myself.  So after church on Sunday, my aunt chopped all my hair off with the kitchen scissors... and I love it!! I feel so much better!

Aunt Barbara giving me a haircut

But regardless of my hairstyle, I know that God "knit me together in my mother's womb."  He intricately created each and every one of us.  Yet I know so many beautiful women who doubt their beauty and value.  The reality is that we fail to realize the extent of God's love for us.  While my brother was home, he introduced me to a great organization called Wonderfully Made, whose mission is "to help young women discover, strengthen, and reclaim their true value and worth."  Please take a few minutes to watch this short video they created.  And my prayer for you is that you will begin to know the intimate love God has for you.

xoxo
Lauren

"Oh Lord, You have searched me and you know me.

You know when I sit and when I rise;

You perceive my thoughts from afar.

You discern my going out and my lying down;

You are familiar with all my ways.

Before a word is on my tongue,

You, Lord, know it completely.

You hem me in behind and before.

You have laid Your hand upon me.

Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,

too lofty for me to attain.

Where can I go from Your Spirit?

Where can I flee from Your presence?

If I go up to the heavens, You are there;

if I make my bed in the depths, You are there.

If I rise on the wings of the dawn,

if I settle on the far side of the sea,

even there Your hand will guide me,

Your right hand will hold me fast.

If I say, "surely the darkness will hide me

and the light become night around me,"

even the darkness will not be dark to You;

the night will shine like the day,

for darkness is as light to You.

For You created my inmost being;

You knit me together in my mother's womb.

I praise You because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

Your works are wonderful,

I know that full well.

My frame was not hidden from You

when I was made in the secret place,

when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.

Your eyes saw my unformed body;

all the days ordained for me were written in Your book

before one of them came to be.

How precious to me are Your thoughts, oh God!

How vast is the sum of them!

Were I to count them,

they would outnumber the grains of sand --

when I awake, I am still with You."

Psalm 139:1-18

Sorry I've been a little MIA lately.  I honestly haven't had anything too exciting to share.  My days are mostly spent napping and reading under the shade of an umbrella in the backyard.  Some days I feel well and other days I feel sick.

Anyways, let me tell you about the last two weeks.  I went in for chemo two weeks ago and everything went well.  The following Thursday, I went in to get my blood checked, just as I do every Thursday.  Do you ever stand up too fast and feel a bit dizzy and need to sit back down again for a minute?  Well I've felt like that pretty often during my treatment.  On that Thursday, as I sat in the waiting room, I began to feel extremely dizzy.  I had to lie down because I felt like I was going to pass out even when sitting in a chair.  The nurse brought me back to get my blood drawn and to check my vital signs.  My blood pressure was 77/30!  Normally, my blood pressure is about 105/65, so needless to say, this was extremely low!  My nurse gave me a fluids through the IV for an hour to help boost my blood pressure back up to normal.

The next week, I met with my doctor.  She asked me about the blood pressure issue and then asked me about nausea.  I explained that I feel nauseated pretty often and have tried all three of the nausea medications that they had prescribed me, but none of them seemed to work.  She told me that nausea stimulates my vagus nerve, which in turn affects my blood pressure.  So if I am nauseated on a regular basis, my vagus nerve is essentially hyper-stimulated which is why my blood pressure has been so low and I feel dizzy often.  So my doctor prescribed me a new nausea medication in hopes of solving both my nausea problem and my low blood pressure problem.

I had chemotherapy yesterday and everything went well.  I slept through my treatment and then came home and slept for about five more hours.  I haven't felt very well today, but my new nausea medication has helped a little.  But this has been my usual pattern: chemo followed by a few days of feeling sick, then I slowly start feeling better at the same time that I become neutropenic.  I usually am feeling normal just in time for another dose of chemo.

This past week, I was feeling well enough to hang out a few days.  My friend Destry, who did Mission Year in Atlanta with me, was here for the weekend and I was able to spend a few hours with her.  Over the weekend, my parents and I went to the Titanic exhibition at the San Diego Natural History Museum in Balboa Park.  Then on Memorial Day, I accompanied my parents and my cousin Caitie to Lake Poway.  They went on a little hike while I enjoyed reading my book in the shade of some beautiful trees.

And here is some good news: If everything goes as planned, I only have one more dose of chemotherapy!  About six weeks after my last treatment, I'll have another PET scan and CT scan to make sure everything has been going well.  So please, please keep me in your prayers!!

xoxo
Lauren

enjoying some reading on Memorial Day

"Because your steadfast love is better than life, my lips will praise Your name.  So I will bless You as long as I live; I will lift up my hands and call on Your name.  For You have been my help, and in the shadow of Your wings I sing for joy.  My soul clings to You; Your right hand upholds me."

- Psalm 63:3-4, 7-8

I had my sixth chemo today, which means I only have two more left!  Although the side effects have seemed less and less after each treatment, I seem to be dreading chemo more and more each time.  I think it's because I know it's just going to make me feel sick, and honestly, I'm really sick of feeling sick!  But I've learned that I have to just take things one day at a time.  Regardless of my feelings on the subject, everything went well today.  Like always, I slept through most of my treatment and then came home and slept some more.

Getting chemo today

Although it was extremely difficult to leave my wonderful friends, coworkers, and church community in Atlanta, one blessing of being back in San Diego is the opportunity to spend more time with my family.  Two weekends ago, I took my first big outing.  My cousin Callie graduated from college in LA.  My Aunt Paula, Uncle Jeff, and cousin Kristie all flew out from the East Coast, and my Aunt Barbara, cousin Caitie, my parents, and I all drove up from San Diego to celebrate with her.  It was great to have so many members of our family together, since it doesn't happen too often.  On Monday night, my mom and I went out to dinner with my Aunt Paula.  Then on Tuesday night, we all went out to dinner for my Aunt Barbara's birthday.  I spent all day Saturday celebrating my Mom for mother's day.  And on Sunday, we had dinner with the majority of my Dad's side of the family to celebrate my Grandma on mother's day.

Celebrating my Mom for mother's day!

Out for dinner with Caitie

I still have a tiny bit of hair left, but because we went out to a few nice restaurants, I decided to wear my wig.  It feels pretty itchy and strange to be wearing fake hair, but when I look at photos of me wearing at it, I look like my usual self again!

It's been great to spend so much time with my family and, even though my brother wasn't able to come down this week, I have seen him much more often than I have the past few years.  Also, my cousin Caitie only lives a few minutes away so we have been able to hang out several times a week.  She even takes me to get my blood drawn every once in a while.  This year hasn't been the most enjoyable, but I am always aware that there are blessings hidden in every situation.  I encourage you to always look for the silver linings in your life.

xoxo
Lauren

"I have rejoiced greatly in the Lord that you have renewed your concern for me.  Indeed, you had been concerned, but you had no opportunity to show it.  I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances.  I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty.  I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.  I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.  Yet it is kind of you to share in my troubles."

- Philippians 4:10-14